Elm Park over the years has seen it’s fair share of drama and passion, but just how many teams have actually graced the hallowed turf? Is there any team left in the league that will never now experience the fear and trepidation of walking out into the cauldron we all know and love as fortress Elm Park? Who are our real bogeymen at the old place, and which teams do we welcome with open arms, as they prepare themselves for the ritual sacrifice?

Elsewhere I’ve summarised stats relating to managers’ performances at EP, as well as the fans who have descended in their thousands, (sometimes less!), to the ground, but for the final part of my insomniacal experience, I turn to our opponents, without whom there would be little point! As you can appreciate, there have been hundreds of games played at the old ground, so in the interests of comparing apples with apples, I’ll only consider home league games, and to get round the 2 v. 3 points for a win, will stick with percentages of games won, drawn and lost, and forget all about points! Call me lazy if you want!

So just how many league games have been staged here? Ignoring abandoned games, today’s game, (unless Uri can help out!), but including the 2 we played at the start of the aborted 1939/40 season, fortress Elm Park has, I believe, an enviable record :

A ratio of wins to defeats of nearly 3 to 1, nearly 2 goals per game scored, with only 1 conceded, is pretty good stuff. But how does it compare with other teams? I haven’t actually had time to update all the records, but up to and including the end of 1990/91, we’re in pretty good company! See below :

Bet ManUre fans are sick!! (To be fair, they’re above us now, but what the hell, it’s the last game at EP, so I must be allowed a little licence!!). Anyway, back to Reading. A total of 96 teams have visited Elm Park to play 541 games in Div 3 south, 619 in OldDiv3/NewDiv2, 184 in Div 4 and 239 in OldDiv2/NewDiv1. (This is nowhere near the league record for the highest number of league opponents. Up to the end of 1990/91, Grimsby had had 118, Lincoln 177, Walsall 115 and Port Vale 112). Our most frequent visitors have been Bournemouth, as the table below shows :

There aren’t any real surprises there to be fair, as most of these teams have followed us around the divisions. But what about the current league members yet to visit EP, (and with apologies to Daniel and Christopher, who’s Premiership team is West Ham), are now never going to be able to? Well the list is not that long. Arsenal, Liverpool, ManUre, Newcastle United, West Ham United, and … er … Macclesfield, Scarborough and Wycombe will never run out at EP in a league game. Arsenal, ManUre and Newcastle have of course been here in FA Cup games, (Newcastle in League Cup too), whilst Wycombe have done it in the League Cup and public friendlies. West Ham were here a few years ago for a testimonial, (the recipient escapes me for the time being!). So, that means that only Liverpool, Macclesfield and Scarborough of the current league teams will never, ever, in the history of the universe, ever, grace Elm Park!

Just a little side note - during this magnum opus, I found the 83 current league teams to have visited Elm Park, and I found the 8 that hadn’t, but for the life of me I couldn’t find the missing 92^nd club! I double checked everything, but STILL couldn’t work out why my figures didn’t tally, until it dawned on me, after the umpteenth Red Rock, that READING was the missing team! Bollocks! I went to bed!

So who are the now sadly, (well sadly for them I guess), non-league/extinct clubs who have graced us with their presence? Well they number 13 in total, and I dare say a few of you will remember the likes of Aldershot, Halifax, Hereford, Newport County and Workington, possibly even Southport, Barrow and Bradford Park Avenue, but can anyone remember seeing the likes of Thames, Accrington Stanley et al at EP?!?!

You’ll notice from this list that a number of these unfortunates actually had 100% records at EP, ie they lost ALL their league games here! (Love ‘em for that if nothing else!). Which leads me nicely onto the next section - 100% Heros!! Sadly, only one other team has lost all its matches at Elm Park, and that’s Barnet! Tom Jones will no doubt remember Kelly Haag’s ABH on him to effectively end his league career, but for most of us it was just another routine 4-1 home win on the way to a great championship. However, there are a number of other teams who have never won at Elm Park, and thus are able to join the ranks of Liverpool, Macclesfield and Scarborough! So to Accrington Stanley, Barnet, Bradford Park Avenue, Gateshead, and Thames United, you can add the following bunch of losers !!

The two real biggies that stand out are Mansfield and Coventry. Imagine coming to EP for 24 years, and only getting 4 draws!! Love Mansfield!! And what about Coventry? A perennial big gun in Div 3 for years, they never even got a sniff of a victory at fortress Elm Park!! Crewe don’t exactly like coming here either, a record JUST maintained following this season’s fightback from 0-3 down after half an hour!!

OK, so what about our favourite visitors, which for the fans must mean the team that comes here and just opens up their goal so that we can score at will? There are 2 ways of looking at this, most goals scored, and best average goals scored per game, (they’re not quite the same thing!). I’ve extended this to the top 16 teams, because there are a few local friends that need a mention!! Sadly, we’ve only broken the ton against Southend, but with Northampton and Watford coming up to join us in Div 1 next year, we may be able to improve on that!! (Of course I’m writing this before our famous victories at Wolves and Forest, but hey, I can dream can’t I!?!?! - oh, and Boro beat City tonight, so it’s all going according to plan!)

The teams above are generally in the table because of the relatively large number of games we have played against them. What about the one-offs, the "little" teams who’ve come here just a few times, and let us "fill our boots"? This is where goals for per game count!

As you can see below, there are some pretty big names that don’t like coming to EP!! Who would have believed Tottenham would have leaked 8 goals in 3 games, actually on the other hand who wouldn’t have!! But what about Coventry, Chelsea, Palace and Wolves!! (Tee hee FSB!). Norwich even get a mention here, hopefully a good omen, as they seem to ship very nearly 2 goals a game at Elm Park!!

One last list before we move on, what about the teams we’ve won most times against? No real surprises once again, as it’s mainly teams who have followed us around, but I thought I’d include it for the sake of completeness. Exeter City - love you!

The flip side to all this is of course those visitors who just can’t seem to score here, no matter what they do! Only one team has actually failed to score ANY league goals here, and that’s dear departed Accrington Stanley, (a record you could argue I suppose that they hold with Liverpool, Macclesfield and Scarborough, but that’s stretching a point isn’t it? No is it bollocks!), but once again there are a few so called "big names" who find it very difficult scoring at EP. Step forward Blackburn Rovers (I kid you not!), Manchester City and Derby County!! Blackburn need 3 games to score a single goal, whilst Derby only score twice every 5 games and City manage 3 in 5! (Don’t you just love meaningless drivel!!!!)

There is a darker side to all these stats of course, and that is those teams that really get up our noses, our bogeymen if you like (sorry !!). I’m not going to dwell too much on this subject, because this is a day of celebration, so for those of you who don’t want to know, look away now.

OK so who are the REAL bastards, the teams that come here and arrogantly expect to take all three points every single time? Some of you will doubtless remember the Bury bogey, but they aren’t the worst offenders. We’ve got 100% records in terms of defeats against 3 teams, Sheffield Wednesday, Everton and Aston Villa, and have yet to beat one other team, (whisper it!), Leicester! We’ve only ever failed to score against the first two. I’ve listed below the 15 teams who have won more times at EP than they’ve lost, a really bad bunch of bastards if ever I saw one! The real bummer of course is that 8 (count the fuckers - eight!!!) are sharing a division with us this year! No wonder our home record’s shot to fuck just now!! But I’m still surprised to see Lincoln City among our bogey men!

I’m not going to bore you with any more mindless drivel, suffice to say, we’ve not actually been a bad team overall at Elm Park. I wonder how we’ll fare at the Mad House? Only time will tell I guess. But with all due respect, I hope we never have to entertain the likes of Hull, Brighton, Cardiff, Swansea, et al in a league match there, unless of course it’s a Premiership game!!

Come on you R’s!!

Before I go, is anyone interested in our full league record against all the clubs? No? Well sod you, you getting it anyway!!!! (assuming Tony and Stretch allow me the room!!). See you all next season on Hob Nob Anyone! With special thanks to Steve Bowyer, The Rothmans Football Yearbooks, and Daniel & Christopher!!!